


how does it feel?

by bbohani



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Also this is my first fic, Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, eating disorder mentioned too, english isn't my first language, felix has literally no self-esteem, felix is a vvvvvv anxious boy, honestly this is just meant to be sad, it's six am and im sad, pls be kind D:, pls dont come at me, rated mature for mentions of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:48:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25014214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbohani/pseuds/bbohani
Summary: felix is tired. tired of loving chan when he knows chan doesn't love him anymore. maybe he never did. "could you blame him? it's impossible to love someone like me", he thinks every single day."how does it feel?""what do you mean?""to be so loved by someone you don't want."
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 6
Kudos: 76





	how does it feel?

**Author's Note:**

> okay so uhm... this is my first fic, i just decided to write something i cant get off my head and apparently writing fics is some kind of coping mechanism, so!!! here i am!!!
> 
> also, i wrote this while listening to the following songs:  
> \- "someone to stay" by vancouver sleep clinic  
> \- "if you want love" by nf  
> \- "i'll be good" by jaymes young  
> \- "six feet under" by billie eilish  
> \- "dynasty" by miia  
> \- "bruises" by lewis capaldi  
> \- "someone you loved" by lewis capaldi  
> \- "i hate u, i love u" by gnash ft olivia o'brien  
> \- "all i want" by kodaline
> 
> see you at the end! :D

felix fell in love with chan sometime between april and june last year. like, fell really hard. and chan seemed to be in love with him too, slowly. felix was the happiest he could ever be for a few months, until he noticed how chan was acting different. "i'm just tired", he would say. "you didn't do anything wrong, i'm just feeling down, really", he would insist. but felix knew better.

so they broke up four days after their 3rd month together. 

yeah, it was really short, maybe felix's shortest relationship. but he was so happy the first month it was all he cared about for a long, long time. he didn't even care about how they fought the day they broke up. how useless he felt. how unwated and unloved he felt. he was just so lonely and lost since some weeks prior their break up to the point he couldn't even eat. all he ever did was cry because of how empty his soul was. chan was his everything, he was like this tiny ray of sunshine on a dark room when felix hates the dark. it scares him to the death, but he felt like chan could save him. until he didn't. and felix was left all alone with his own sadness and loneliness being his only friends. 

felix felt so annoying. he felt like he was a burden to anyone. at some point everyone would leave him, so what's the point of talking to people? what's the point of having someone in your life when you know they'll leave you because you're impossible to deal with? minho and jisung always listened to his cries, always telling him how important and loved he was, always making a list of his qualities. it drove him mad because all felix wanted to do was keep feeling miserable, he wanted them to yell at him and tell him how fucking annoying he was, that they couldn't stand him anymore. he just wanted everyone to leave already so he could cry for everyone at once. 

he wanted to be really alone, like he felt he was. he had this dream once; he was left in a white room. there was no windows, but there was a locked door. the key was there, he tried to unlock it, but something made him give up. so he stayed there, crying against the door. he felt like that every single day until the day he decided to talk to chan again, because god knows how much he missed him. and just like that, they were back on talking terms, only a month after their break up. it felt nice to talk to the older guy like they used to before falling in love, he missed how they would talk about nothing and everything at the same time until morning hours, felix felt so good. 'finally something nice to feel', he thought. 

they still called each other cute petnames. they cuddled sometimes. they kissed sometimes. and then they had sex.

felix was so complete. he felt like he was in heaven again, he missed the way chan would moan because of him. the way chan would whisper something really sweet in his ear while they were chasing their orgasms. the way chan would squeeze his hips, thighs and waist at any hard thrust, just like he knew felix loved. the younger asks himself with chan knew the reason why he liked that so much. it was because he liked the feeling of belonging to someone, of belonging to chan. he was chan's and chan's only, even after their break up. felix was so happy to feel like that again.

until it all came back.

"can i ask you something?", he suddendly says when he and chan were hanging out.

"yeah?", felix didn't like his tone. it was normal, tho.

"are you tired of me?", he couldn't find the courage to look chan in the eyes. he felt like he was going to cry. chan's silence did not help. "please, answer me."

"no, i'm not tired of you. why do you ask?"

"nevermind.", it does mind. "thank you answering, hyung."

felix would find himself crying himself to sleep almost every night, feeling like the worthless piece of shit he truly was and no one even bothers telling him that. 'why would they? i'm not worth of that', he would think after the 31st mental breakdown of that week. chan was acting exactly like the way he did the last month they dated. he would ignore felix the whole day, only exchanging some few emotionless words 3 times a day. **felix felt lonely again**. he's feeling so anxious lately and all he wanted to do was to climb chan's body and hide inside his shirt. all he wanted was _chan_ , actually. he was getting tired of being who he was, of feeling how he felt towards people in general. he hated being that clingy and needy, he just wanted to feel independent at least once in his life. but he couldn't because he was so dependent of chan's affection. nothing made sense anymore. 

'why are you so sad about this? it's not like you didn't know this would happen. he got tired of you once, why the fuck he'd stay with you this time? just give up, felix. you're nothing but a burden to him. he's way better without you, why can't you see that? why can't you accept that? you're nothing to him. maybe never was and certainly never will be. you're nothing to anyone. minho and jisung are by your side now, but you know they'll leave. no one likes you, felix. you're not loved by anyone. you're not worth of love. you're not worth of anything but pity. just. accept. that.', he would say to the mirror after sobbing for two hours straight. and then he would cry for four more hours until he eventually fell asleep.

the next day he would act like nothing ever happened just to feel his heart break every single time chan didn't even look at him. 

'why? why am i not worth of love?', he's crying again to no one in particular. maybe god is listening to him.

or not. maybe even god has already given up on felix.

'what the fuck is wrong with me?' _everything._ 'am i really that hard of loving?' _yes._ 'why? what did i do?' _you're alive. that's it._

he felt lost again. he didn't know what to do. he didn't know how to feel about his own feelings. maybe that voice in his head was right and maybe, just maybe, if he accepted that, he would feel better. and then he stopped to think again. he didn't need to accept anything because that was something he already knew. he knew he wasn't worth of love, he knew he wasn't worth of attention, he knew the only thing he would ever be worth of was pity. so, if he already knew all of that... why was he so sad about it? maybe that's the only thing left for him to feel. sadness. 

"hey, can i, uhm, like...", he started with a already broken voice. "can i hide? inside your shirt?"

chan knows what that means, "of course, love, come here."

and then felix settled down on his lap. it felt warm. it was like someone else was there before he reached out to chan. he didn't like that thought.

"what's wrong?", the older asked while running his fingers through felix's hair.

"how does it feel?"

"how does what feel, bub?"

felix looked up, finding chan's eyes looking at him curiously.

"how does it feel to be so loved by someone you don't want, chris?", he felt a single tear roll down his cheek and wet chan's warm chest. "how does it feel to wake up without worrying about someone you care about not caring about you too? how does it feel?"

"what are you talking about, felix?", he sounded mad. felix should've know. chan didn’t like it when felix started to question that kind of thing.

"just... i don't know, chris. i'm so tired", he burried his face on chan's soft skin, trying so hard to control his sobs that he was almost breathless. "i'm so sorry."

"for what?"

"for being me, i guess."

and then felix left chan's lap and went home without saying anything more. he was indeed tired and sorry. but what could he do about it? heh, shit happens to shitty people. 

he wasn't worth it. he just needed to accept that.

**Author's Note:**

> hey you made it to the end :D sorry if i made any mistakes i'm writing this directly on the ao3 page and have no beta reader AND IT'S ALMOST EIGHT AM and i woke up at four am so....... yeah thats it. fs~dslfsdf anyways im sad pls leave kudos and comments and dont forget to stream gods menu. thank you for reading !


End file.
